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Wednesday, February 10th, 2010
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1:37 am
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Seriously?!?!?
Why do I even bother?
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| Monday, February 8th, 2010
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11:40 pm - There's something there that wasn't there before
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Well that went unexpectedly well and relatively simply. After a week of ho-humming and insecurity, I finally bucked up the courage to relate my concerns to Adam. I didn't know what to expect - I never do. But it was good. No fighting, no excuses, just straight up. The way things always ought to be. So, I'm feeling much better now than I was. No, it shouldn't have taken me a week to come clean, but better late than never, right? I really didn't know how to approach it and was so fearful of starting an unnecessary argument that never ends until we see each other. But I think we're good.
It just amazes me how it never gets any easier. No matter how much practice you have.
Thank god we don't have too much longer.
As KC gets closer, it gets that much harder to believe. I'm kinda terrified of telling my parents, because I'm always terrified of being honest with them. It never turns out well. As much as I hate to admit it, I think I will miss Springfield in the tiniest bit. Almost all of this is because this past weekend I realized how much fun I have with my work friends. It's gonna be sad when that ends and I move to a new city where I don't exactly have that kind of base. No, we're not super close by any means, but we're fun, and sometimes that's really all you need.
I'm finally getting into a comfortable niche at work, just as I'm about to leave. I'm learning more everyday and making more of an impact on those around me (at least that's what I believe). And soon I'll be leaving it all behind. That's me though, always going somewhere.
I find it's best to leave when you're on top, anyway.
While I'm still here, I've decided to deactivate my Facebook account. I know, right? I honestly don't know HOW I suddenly found the strength to do it, but I did. I've been thinking about it for ages, but never actually considering it. But this past week, as my brain focused on the ONE weakness I found in my relationship, Facebook became a form of torture. Every time I'd check Facebook, I'd get more upset. A pit would show where my stomach once was and I felt terribly insecure.
When I'm at my computer, I check Facebook more in one hour than a mother checks her child. I am ADDICTED, and I'm not even half as bad as some people. For example, I do not have Facebook on my phone. I do not change my status multiple times a day, and my profile picture stays the same for weeks, sometimes MONTHS at a time. But that doesn't mean I don't stalk other people's profiles or check what's happened new in the last 10 minutes.
I have been able to draw the line at how much I have facebook accessible, but when it IS accessible, I'm out of control.
When it comes to a point that Facebook is creating unnecessary drama, that's pretty bad, yet we still continue our facebook habits. But when it starts messing with my mentality, especially in my RELATIONSHIP, that's where I draw the line. Because my relationship is more important than the "Jackie is in a relationship with Adam" written on the right side of the screen.
Facebook is TOXIC. When I feel like it's more of a way to be ignored by everyone than a way to be in contact with them, there's a serious problem. So, I'm giving it up for a while. At least until I get to KC and don't have it messing with the long-distance relationship. You'd be surprised at how much damage it can do. I'm going to try really hard to make it till then. But like I said, it truly is an addiction, and I'm going cold turkey.
It's funny because it did just happen quite suddenly. I thought, I need to get rid of this for a while and within 10 minutes it was done. I really don't know where that strength came from so quickly. But I'm thankful for it, for sure.
Maybe we all have it in us - whatever it is.
I also think it's about time to give up soda again. I literally got sick from it the other day. I drank wayyy too much at work and came home and threw up. All brown. All Dr. Pepper. GROSS! And when I drank some soda today, my stomach started freaking out a little. My body is telling me to stop. I really need to listen. But do I have enough willpower to quit soda, Facebook, and continue not smoking without re-entering my hardcore coffee addiction??? I guess there's only one way to find out.
Well, I think that's it for now. I got the sudden urge to turn on You've Got Mail and drink some water while I cuddle with Johnson Howard McKinley and ChipChip.
But hey, I'm feeling good. A bit more free, if you will.
3 Good things:
1) Good news from Dick's Managers
2) I was wonderfully reminded what a great movie Beauty and the Beast is.
3) Adam's face in 6 days.
current mood:  accomplished
current music: Beauty and the Beast
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| Monday, February 1st, 2010
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9:27 pm - well, it was a good start...
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I have an urge to push aside the mess and plop down on the floor. There's no reason to do that, the same as there is no reason NOT to do that.
I really need to write EVERYTHING down. I get these ideas that pop into my head and I think prolonged measures of time about them, yet 30 minutes after the topic, I can't seem to recall exactly what I was so passionate about. This kind of method transcends the creative mind and crosses into the practical reality of my life - if I don't write it down, I WILL forget it. I have to make to do lists for everything. I have to have dates marked on tangible objects. I'm so very lucky that I randomly remembered to pay my rent today - I hadn't written down a reminder.
And that, in short, is my life: a jumbled mess of easily discovered and forgotten thoughts, whose only form of organization relies solely on pen and paper (or a functional keyboard and computer screen).
I may be switching to the former outlet very soon, my screen has already clicked off 5 times since I've begun this journal entry.
I have suddenly gotten very nervous and my heart rate is accelerating. If only I could remember what I was just stressing about before my computer screen turned off....
Maybe it's the messy apartment that I really do have to clean. Maybe it's the packed suitcase I still haven't touched from a week ago. Maybe it's the journal that's sitting next to me that I don't know what to write in. Maybe it's the fact that I'm thinking about him again and that doesn't bring him any closer to me.
I have 2 weeks to figure out if I want to move in with Nathan. 2 weeks. Deadline = February 15. Oddly enough, that is the same day my electricity bill is due. Electricity bill...I have to call the company and complain about that.
eh, I have to take a break. My brain and heart are imploding. be back soon.
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1:02 am - There's nothing holding you back
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I really don't like to spotlight the negativities, but sometimes the battle of the brain must overflow into the outside world. One bad day can bring up a slew of bad feelings that have been brewing within, which is why tonight is the only chance I'll ever really have to get this shit out.
I am extremely bothered by the fact that the Olympics begin in 2 weeks, and I do not get NBC on my television. The Olympics are a great event that I look forward to seeing every 2 years, because I can't just watch them whenever. I missed watching most of the '08 Olympics, and it appears the same will be said for '10. This really does greatly depress me.
I think that I have turned into a total weirdo without even realizing it. I was analyzing my thoughts and actions the other day - trying to figure out what other people see of me. It wasn't good. I wonder how many times someone has caught me talking to myself. Yes, I do talk to myself. Usually I'm reenacting a peculiar moment that just happened, or acting out a moment that probably should happen, but never will ( ya know, when you REALLY want to tell someone off, but never have the guts to do it? Yea, that's constantly running through my mind).
I am especially concerned with the way I come off at work because I spend most of my awake time there. I'd really like to cultivate it into a comfortable environment for myself, but if anyone has ever seen me talking to myself, then the task becomes considerably more difficult. I'm sure they have. I talk to myself a lot at work because in my head, I'm telling off customers and making them feel insignificant - but it's never just in my head, it's on my face too....
I'm such a strange mix of different stereotypes, and I've probably showed all my different sides to all different people and have probably confused everyone, which would make them think I'm weird. Some days I'm bubbly, some days I look like a rampage is 2 seconds away. Some days I'm on top of it and some days are just bad, and not a single person in that place knows me well enough to know what's legit, and what's just a mood.
This really bothers me.
The recent string of technological issues in my life has made me much more suspicious of electronics. Much more irritable, especially with this laptop. I've figured out it's current quirk, but its mind will change tomorrow (or even tonight) and it will be another 3 day battle until I coerce it back into temporary cooperation. Please, laptop, I beg of you, continue to cooperate with me during my day off tomorrow, or I'll go mad. Love, Jackie
I am finding a strong correlation between my bad days and the regularity of speaking to Adam. If a few days manage to go by and I don't hear his voice, a bad day inevitably follows. It's funny, because I don't wake up in the morning thinking Oh damn, I'm sad because I didn't talk to Adam. I usually wake up to a seemingly normal day, but somehow it's terrible. It's not until later that I realize the subconscious effect it has on me. It completely throws me off, I'm much more sensitive or something, or maybe it's just the universe lining up against me :"Jackie hasn't talked to Adam, let's nail her!"
This whole realization just makes me more sad because it highlights how achingly I miss him and how the only thing that consumes my mind is the desperate desire to be near him again. And even if things between us are perfect (which they pretty much are, right now), I'm still sad.
Thinking about it right now induces this strange feeling in my chest. Right beneath the sternum, I feel a pull. Like a pull from the outside.And now tingles in the heart region.
Adam, seriously, enough is enough. I really can't go much longer without your arms around me, your hair between my fingers, your breath on my neck, your legs intertwined with mine. I know how cliche this sounds. I know how you're pretty numb to it after hearing how much I miss you for the past 6 months. But push all of that aside and pretend your eyes have never fallen upon these words before:
I miss you so much, I feel as though I'll collapse. You make me weak in all the right places.
I wish I had a better segue here...
Maybe I'm not ready for a promotion. The past couple days at work, I've been getting in slight trouble for things that are not my fault. If I were given a promotion, I'd be in a lot more trouble for things completely out of my control, but I'd have to deal with it anyway. I'm not sure I'm prepared for this. However, I shudder to think of having to live on $8/hr when I go to KC. I will not have student loans to help with rent, on the contrary, I will have a couple hundred dollars to PAY the student loans each month. fuck. fuck fuck fuck. This is a terrible subject.
I don't sleep well. I don't sleep correctly. Whatever I do as far as sleep is concerned, it's wrong. It's always wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. I have been told this numerous times by numerous people. All of these people seem to think it's my fault. Yes, I admit, some of it is, but honestly, this is not a new issue. It's not like sleep problems have begun occurring in my life recently. Literally, literally for as long as I can remember, I've had trouble sleeping. Does this fact mean nothing? And even if it WAS ALL my fault, i think the issues are too deeply embedded into my psyche for me to really be able to "just fix it." So why am I still defending myself when it comes to insomnia? I always feel like I have to PROVE my insomnia to people, like I'm lying it all. I should have gone to the doctor when I had health insurance.
Health insurance....
Yea, I have none. It's not a nice feeling. moving on...
Music. where the hell is my passion for music? It's like, totally dead. I LIKE music, but I haven't discovered anything life-altering in a while, and I'm getting sick of the same old shit all the time. My ipod is redundant. The radio is worse. I have some SERIOUS issues with the radio, yet still support it because it is one of the dwindling free services there are in this world. I want to listen to music for free, but not the same shitty 10 songs. And why does the radio have this uncanny ability to COMPLETELY DESTROY any good song that it is privileged to play, whether it ranges from a guilty pleasure to an epic, soul-search-inducing melody? I mean, the radio has managed to utterly massacre some incredibly amazing songs: "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol, "Hey There Delilah" by Plain White T's, "Everlong" by Foo Fighters, every John Rzeznik-fronted Goo Goo Dolls song, and millions of others that aren't popping into my head because even I have forgotten the genius of them, and have, at one point or another, turned the station when they began.
My dad said that radio stations were fucking awesome back in the day....how the hell did we lose sight of that?
Damn technology.
That's what I've got for now. I think it helped to get it out here. Thanks, again, lj, you sure are a great listener.
3 Good Things:
1) I DID talk to Adam today
2) I really did get a lot of work done at work today.
3) I am not setting an alarm for tomorrow
Bonus) I have 2 vases of daisies sitting in my apartment.
current music: Just Say Yes -Snow Patrol
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| Monday, January 25th, 2010
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10:53 pm - It's quite simple really...
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Why, you ask? What can I say? I just love him.
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3:25 pm - Rock Chalk
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As I sit here, trying to write the first line of this post, I wonder to myself Am I doing what I want to be doing right now? Not that I, in any way, feel unhappy or dissatisfied with my present location, but there is healthy dose of questioning embedded in my brain. What can I do to make this day truly spectacular?
Honestly, nothing really comes to mind.
When I woke up this afternoon, I realized that if I had to choose between feeling productive or creative today, I wouldn't know which to choose. Granted, in an ideal world, these two states of mind would blend together seamlessly, I find that today, I cannot decide which part of my life to concentrate on.
There are a lot of things to think about. A million topics to reflect on. And yet, when it comes down to it, for the first time in a long time, my mind goes blank. I hate the feeling of forcing myself into a topic, therefore I just decided to write exactly what was on my mind - that I had no idea how to begin.
In retrospect, I think it made a pretty good beginning.
But I am sitting in the living room of my boyfriend's apartment, just a few small blocks away from one of my best friends. I am wearing thick, wool socks that aren't mine and finding it unexpectedly cozy, and I wonder if I let myself be too influenced by the person I'm currently dating. Not "currently dating" as to point out specifically Adam, but instead I mean whomever I was currently dating throughout my entire life. When I was in high school, a suddenly picked up a very strong affinity for classic rock when I heard my crush speaking of the genre (granted, it ended up being completely worth it, but that's a different topic). When I dated Dan, I began to pay much more attention to comic books and characters, learning more about the background of Spiderman than I did in my English Lit classes. And now that I'm with Adam, I'm waltzing around the apartment to film scores in wool socks and saying "yea yea yea" and "killer" every 3 sentences.
But as transforming as my life has been, I think it's an incredibly interesting and beautiful thing that different parts of one's personality become magnified depending on who that person is surrounded by. And maybe finding love is finding someone who magnifies all the better parts - or at least the ones that match. I mean, as much as I really did like it, I wasn't ever going to pick up a Fantastic Four comic and start reading it daily. And I definitely was never going to grow to like Metallica, even if it was Brian's favorite band.
I guess if I was going to justify it, I would say that liking film scores makes perfect sense, seeing as I'm naturally obsessed with anything about movies...but I don't really need to justify anything... But I still wanted to write it...
My mind is currently and completely centered on Kansas City. Being here now, moving here soon, learning as much as I can. Springfield feels like a far distant scar on an otherwise happy life, despite the terrible fact that I must return there tomorrow. I know accounted on multiple occasions my readiness to leave Illinois, and I realize I've anticipated moves with great enthusiasm in the past, but the thought of moving to Kansas City makes my heart lighter and my smile brighter and I don't need a mirror to know it. What should be a very intimidating and scary transition feels seamless and perfectly orchestrated. Granted, the details haven't even been touched yet, but I'm ready to get it all figured out. In just about two months I'll be five minutes from Adam, not five hours. When he's upset, I can HOLD him. When he's happy, I can see his perfect smile. And we'll be together for as long as we'll be together. No regrets. No games. Just us.
And Kansas City will also be a perfect antidote for all the other areas of my life. Nathan is here and he is someone with whom I have been through thick and thin - bumps in the road which turned into canyons. But despite the odds, we've bonded in ways that sound unfathomable. I can do ANYTHING with Nathan, and still have the time of my life. Whether we get ready and go out to some blowout party or insane club where we blow our minds and wallets, or we take a drive around for no reason, or we sit at home all day in our pajamas and watch movies, we can very honestly and earnestly do it all together. There is always conversation, and if there isn't, the silence is never awkward. He has listened to me rant and rave about people, places, and many many things, and he's also seen me cry a few too many times.
I mean, what's more genuine than that?
I've recently been presented with the opportunity to live with Nathan when I move here, which is a topic that's been monopolizing my thoughts for the past few days. Materialistically, it is the perfect arrangement. But I am absolutely mortified with the idea of placing the aforementioned relationship in jeopardy, especially for something as evil as money. So now my next task is to sit down and really think about if this arrangement is conducive to my KC goals. If I decide it is, then I have to decide if it's possible to maintain a healthy friendship in the same living quarters. There's a lot of breaking down and pro/con that I have to do here, while remaining somewhat unbiased.
I'll check back soon, I'm sure.
current music: Pandora Alternative/Indie Station
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| Thursday, January 14th, 2010
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7:10 pm - I swear to god we're gonna get it right
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Whoa.
It has been crazy. Every day I've got about a thousand different thoughts that would make GREAT posts, but the fates have been against me. While life is generally fantastic, the materialistic details of life have been a bit daunting. For example, I have no promise that I will finish this post because my computer screen may click off at literally any second. There is no control over this phenomenon. My computer has it's own desires which very rarely line up with mine. Therefore, I feel extremely lucky to be graced with the machine's functionality for the time being, as brief as it may be.
I am currently sitting in Orlando. I came down to work out my seasonal hours. I was able to drive down here with Adam, and spent a full week with him and the people who made the first 7 months of 2009 the best 7 months of my life. It was a complete blessing to be able to see and spend time with everyone. I loved it. every second.
During the week, I finally built up the courage to tell Adam that I love him. WATCH OUT! Best decision I've made. There was a wave of release that swept over me when the words escaped my lips. Like I had divulged a super secret. In a way, I guess I did. Since then, things have felt better than ever. With these words out in the open, I feel like I'm allowed to be smitten. I'm SUPPOSED to be smitten. And I'm so tired of dealing with the silent judgements of people. I've been feeling like I had to defend or justify my future plans to others because it is so "irresponsible" to not follow a solid career path after college. Well ya know what, bitches, I'm in love. And I can say it now. So everyone can just suck it.
And that's that...in a nutshell anyway. God knows I could go on for hours.
I guess what SHOULD be concerning me is the fact that he did not say it back, which would pretty much be a "HOLD THE PHONE" moment for everyone else in the world. But to me, it's so different. I know us and our relationship and I knew at the time (and still do) that he wasn't ready to dive into that step.
I did not say it to hear it back. I said it because I felt like I needed to. And I REALLY wanted to. So I did. Done. No issues.
Life is beautiful.
The biggest things that have been going on since then have been tons of technology drama. My ipod and radio transmitter were stolen, my phone randomly broke, and my computer, as previously mentioned, is no longer compatible with me. I have managed to make money and then spend it before it's even in my pocket. Isn't that typical Orlando?
Granted, everything that I've spent money on has been a true investment. I bought a new ipod and radio transmitter, and spent some money on an excellent gift for someone which I know will be extremely reusable. Hells yea. I also invested in a hot pair of black stilettos, which I found for 40% off (a sign from God), and gave me killer blisters last night. Yep. It's worth it.
It's just been a bit emotionally draining. Because as content I am with my life, it still tries to get too complicated for my liking. It's hard to keep smiling when everything seems to give up on you. And when you're frantically trying to get it all fixed within a few days. Gah! I just want it all to be fixed. I just want to get to that unattainable point in life when everything is clicking correctly.
I have decided that "Heartbreak Warfare" by John Mayer is the best song I've heard in a long time. It's completely beautiful. And I feel like it can only be truly understood by few people. It's totally epic. It's about STAYING in love, which is a part of life constantly overlooked in media. I really feel like I'm learning how to work in a relationship. It's not always smooth sailing. It takes a lot of effort and dedication to make something great. At least, that's just how I feel anyway.
current music: "Heartbreak Warfare" -John Mayer
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| Wednesday, December 30th, 2009
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2:03 am - at peace
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I think it's a beautiful thing that I should start a new chapter at the start of a new decade.
I have become increasing aware and appreciative of the wonderful randomness and decadence of life.
Why is it that I could not go to Orlando until January 2009?
Why is it that one of my best friends of my life could have moved to Orlando at the same time as me, but changed to a random move to Kansas City?
Why is it that I refused to participate in any roommate matching program, and ended up living with a girl who introduced me to a boy from Kansas City?
I have finished college. I am in a job with managers who genuinely care about me, despite common belief. These managers are prepared to stick out their necks for me, train me, and set me up with a promoted job title, all so I can follow my heart to a city (and a boy) that is far away from everyone's expectations.
More than anything in the world, I want to become ME. The ME that's been hiding for so many years. The ME who wants to spend her daytime reading, and her nighttime writing. The ME who wants to change her lifestyle, get a dog, fall in love, write a masterpiece, work her ass off, and deserve a good life.
I condensed my desires into 3 necessities:
1) Adam
2) a puppy!
3) Writing. Writing. Writing.
If i have these 3, everything else is manageable.
It is a great feeling, to finally be free to be oneself. We spend so many years attempting to please everyone around us - parents, teachers, siblings, bosses - that the idea of pleasing the SELF is foreign to us. But isn't that the first step? Isn't that the one thing that could fix all others? If you're happy with yourself, what have you got to lose?
So, I look, with GREAT anticipation, to the future. To the hope that I can do this, to the knowledge that the ONLY thing holding me back is myself.
Because there are truly no other complications....not that I can foresee anyway.
So, right now, life feels great.
I am about to revisit Disney for a few weeks. See some good friends who have truly helped me along my journey, despite their seemingly temporary status in my life. I have some extended time with my boyfriend, who, despite all complications, has got me falling all over again. And I've got time with the people who know both of us best.
There is nothing negative about this.
Hey 2010, let's rock it out.
Kthanks!
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| Tuesday, December 1st, 2009
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2:19 pm
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there is nothing like a whiff of fresh Dunkin' Donuts ground coffee. I can't not smile when I breathe that in.
Off to escape....kinda
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| Monday, November 30th, 2009
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12:34 am - I want your love and I want your revenge
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It is definitely a gut-wrenching day.
My mind is cluttered with a million different ideas, wishes, hopes, desires, and desperations. Where to begin? How to begin?
Rearranging life's priorities is a daunting task. Thinking with a clear head is virtually impossible. Emotions clutter all.
I have contemplated running. Both literally and figuratively. Running away always seems like a viable option, but as an old friend once told me, no matter where you go, you're still with yourself. You can't run from pain.
I guess that right now I need to concentrate on getting myself and my life back on track. So ideally, that would constitute finishing school, finding some hobbies and ultimately spending as little time alone as possible. Because I can be very cruel to myself.
Masochistic.
There are many things I want to say. I don't know what is appropriate and what crosses this blurred line of pseudo-rationality that is associated with heartache. There are some things that have been left unsaid. I so desperately want to say them but can't decide if it's ok. I've already experienced a full array of emotions, with many more to come. Sometimes I want to commit fully to these feelings, but sometimes I want to mask it. What good would yelling to emptiness do, honestly? There's noone there to hear me.
But actually, it could be a lot of good.
I think that a purge period is necessary, but only as long as you know when to stop, gather up the pieces of yourself, and start rebuilding. There is no clear cut chain of events in this situation. All I can do is take it day by day. Some days, like yesterday, it won't feel so bad. But some days, like today, that weight will hit from the moment my brain awakens from unconsciousness. And all I can do is endure.
At least the bad dreams haven't begun yet. Let's hope that those hold off for a while.
I am so angry, frustrated, hurt, surprised, hopeful, sad, confused, lost, stuck, and every other emotion that could possibly be tied to heartache. And all the while, I'm trying to retain an optimism to carry me through at least the next few weeks. But when school ends and Christmas closes in, I am more terrified than ever to face another holiday season like this.
So I guess I'll just start making lists, and checking off the tasks.
-Finish School.
-Keep contact with those who will help me most.
-Read a good book
-Do an art project for myself.
-Remember how to love the little things, like the first cup of joe in the morning, or the heat of the sun on my skin.
-Find out what life has in store.
Is it possible to truly hope for the best and prepare for the worst? I don't think it is.
Ouch.
Because I said I would:
3 Good things about today:
1) Afternoon nap, despite it's cause
2) Read Postsecret in Barnes & Noble
3) HGTV with a cup of chai tea
Quote: "'Cause I feel the distance between us could be over with a snap of your fingers." -Kelly Clarkson "I Do Not Hook Up"
current music: Lady Gaga - Bad Romance
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| Sunday, November 29th, 2009
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3:38 am
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I am the type of person who will drive around the block an extra 5 times, or sit in the parking lot parked for 3 extra minutes, just to hear a song on the radio. For some reason, it always is more significant if you hear it when you didn't intentionally play it.
I am the type of person who knows she can do ANYTHING she wants to, as long as she is given the time and opportunity to make up her mind to do it.
And I am also the type of person who is afraid of saying too much when she shouldn't, which is why she has to stop this post now.
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| Sunday, November 22nd, 2009
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1:02 am - My heart is racing
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Well, it's safe to say it's been an eventful week. There's a million and a half things to say, and a scattered brain that contains them. So I am just going to start letting go and let my fingers do the talking. Hopefully they're better translators than my mouth because I've been saying and re-saying my thoughts and just can't seem to get it right.
Attention All: I hereby declare war on complacency. In an urgent manner, this declaration is effective yesterday.
Kids, I just let it get away from me.
Here I am in a relationship with an incredible human being and I almost forgot about it.
I've always heard that love is far from easy. "It takes work" and "you have to compromise" and blah blah blah. I thought I understood what that meant. And I did, but I was not prepared for the magnifying effects of 350 miles.
I almost lost him this week. In fact, I probably did for an hour or so. It was a nerve-wracking, hand-wringing, word-stumbling conversation. I stuttered more than I ever have in my life. Maybe that's what did it, maybe that's what made the words mean something because somehow, I got it right. There is still hope.
I could go into a thousand details about it, but I've done a lot of reflecting on it since then and I've realized that the both of us just lost each other for a bit. Yes, we got stuck into some sick and ungratifying routine that began to chip away at us bit by bit. Instead of taking charge, I guess I was just subconsciously waiting for him to be my knight in shining armor to sweep me away from my nightmares. When in fact, I was creating my nightmares. We stopped being together.
Thankfully, it was brought to our attention. No, it wasn't fun, but it was necessary. And thank god it happened.
All I can say is that I have a lot to work on, but not for him. For me. He's just a very big added bonus.
So I'm going to finish up my schoolwork, look for some jobs, and start doing everything I need to. I gotta get back into my productive kick and just knock it out. If I do this now, I can have him later.
Success now = KC later.
Not a bad trade off.
At first, I was terrified. A million concerns ran through my head like, Did I dupe him into staying with me? and Should I have said that? I shouldn't have said that. and What if he really is unhappy? and Did he already give up?
Uh, scary for sure. But after having some alone time to think about it, I decided that this, as messed up as it felt, is a GREAT thing. Because this is just more proof that he and I do communicate well, and we are willing to go the extra mile.
And maybe it won't work out after all, but at least we're giving it a fair shot. Because if it would have ended yesterday, we both would have walked away with way more regret than gratitude, and that's never ok.
So, I guess in a month or so, we'll re-evaluate and make sure things are indeed better. And if they're not, they're not....
...That is so easy to say, and impossibly difficult to deal with when the situation actually arises.
But I'm a smart girl. I know what I want and what I don't want. And the last thing I want is to be in a stagnant, damaging relationship for way longer than I should be - even if it kills me to let it go.
And so, this is where we stand. But rest assured, I have a few tricks up my sleeve to ensure that complacency falters before it has a chance to rise.
In order to actively work on my issues, I've decided to reinstate a couple old rituals:
3 Good Things About Today:
1) I got to kiss my boyfriend...multiple times
2) Nicole won ANTM 13!
3) Despite everyone's complaints, I had some very nice customers at work!
And a good solid quote:
Stephen: Anything?
Michael: I'll do anything.
Stephen: People say that, they don't mean it.
Michael: But I mean it!
Stephen: Well it's very simple... do whatever it takes.
Michael: It's that simple?
Stephen: Yes... you can't fail if you don't give up.
-The Last Kiss
current music: Colbie Callait
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| Wednesday, November 18th, 2009
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1:52 am - Ironic that the song stuck in my head for no reason is EXACTLY what I'm worried about...
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Giant pit where my organs should be.
Total wreck.
Tomorrow is apocalyptic.
All we can do is hope for the best at this point, and have a plan for the worst.
Terrible day today. This is just not how you're supposed to feel 8 hours before you see the one person you've been aching for. This is just not how it's supposed to be.
Fuck, how is anything supposed to be? I've really got to stop subscribing to these ideals.
But anyway, I will now try my best to sleep. Tomorrow hopefully my mouth will do the talking, for once, and not my tired, blistered fingers.
Wish me luck, world.
current music: Pink - Don't
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| Tuesday, November 17th, 2009
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3:27 am - chase you down until you love me
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I've got that restless feeling.
I managed to leak 3 tears from my tear ducts earlier, so I guess that's a start.
I've had an overflow of discontentment the last few days. I started to feel really sick again today. Let's not, shall we? The last thing I need 30 days before college ends is an off-putting disease.
So instead of dealing with the source of my troubles, I turn to my handy livejournal once again. As much as I know that now, more than ever, is the time to take charge of my life, I can't help but feel completely useless.
Why is it that our human instinct is to run away?
I'm terrified. And I'm terrified BECAUSE I'm terrified, which is scary. What's worse is that I just can't seem to find the words to express what it is that I'm feeling.
I think that great friendships are hard to come by. I think I've gotten increasingly better at lying as the years have gone on. I think that enduring a long distance relationship is one of the top 5 hardest things a person could possibly have to do in their life...but that's just me.
I think I need to try to sleep. I have to be at work in 5 hours.
Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. But if I don't, at least we know I'll be back here.
Gnite, sadness. please at least stop until morning. kthanks.
current music: Lady Gaga- Paparazzi
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| Thursday, November 12th, 2009
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1:48 am - Pokerface, fur sure
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Well honestly, there isn't much to complain about. I've had a recent wave of productivity which I'm working on keeping through the end of the semester - or at least the end of the homework. I am finally getting my hands on a real bed as opposed to this air mattress, to which, ironically enough, I have grown accustomed. I'm doing pretty good things for myself, it's true.
And yet, of course, it just isn't enough. It never really is, is it?
I am just taking this as another lesson learned. Coming back here has continued to teach me so much more about myself. I know I've always felt especially drawn to close friends, but there is nothing like REALLY living without them.
I went out for Richie's birthday yesterday and found myself in the middle of awkward conversations about topics that were forced upon me. Now, I am an unprecedented good sport, for being female, and I put up with a lot of bullshit from the males in my life. I always have. And usually it makes for a pretty entertaining night. But when I'm doing it endlessly and it's the same thing every time I go out with them...yea, not so much fun.
I'm sorry but I no longer want to defend, explain, or play nice.
As I was out last night I realized how very little I have to say to these people, because I don't trust them enough to share anything more than the daily weather update or the my latest financial pains. And so, there is a lot of staring, a lot of awkward laughter, etc.
It just really wasn't that fun.
I just miss the days when going out meant letting loose, not preparing for battle.
Because every time I go out with Mike, he's going to bring up the most taboo topic he can just to mess with me, and we'll spend the next two hours arguing over hypothetical situations, and at the end I'll feel offended, but I'll be too much of a "good sport" to say anything.
I just don't know why I'm in a place where I have nothing to say to my closest friends. I've known Albert and Richie for years....you'd think I'd feel more comfortable. Not that either of them ever make me feel especially uncomfortable, because they are the best of the bunch, for sure. But that doesn't mean they know a thing about what's really going on in my mind or heart or gut.
I'm just the type of person who's always going to need those solid friendships. Without them, I will never feel complete, no matter what else is going on in my life. And I just don't have them here, resulting in an unfulfilled feeling that overtakes the majority of time.
Even this entry feels weird.....
Let me re-center..... Sigh a few times to release the tension....Cold water........ok, now what is it really????
I know I only have minimal time left here. I know I only have to stick it out a little bit longer. But I feel like I am in a black hole. This place...goddamn, this place.....I just can't get out of here soon enough.
I've always hated it here, but now it feels worse because there are so many other people I'd rather be with, and none of them are here.
And I'm sorry but every day it gets harder to be away from Adam and I just want to crawl into his arms at the end of the night and do nothing but hear his irregular heartbeat against my ear because that, THAT is where I am the most comfortable, awkward arm and all. And to be able to feel that kind of belonging while I'm here would make life so much easier.
But I can't.
I am in the midst of graduating from college with no real experience in my field and I look around at these kids that are younger than me that have been gaining experience for years. And when I find a great opportunity that would work for me, it comes a semester too late. Not to mention, even if I was going to be here in the Spring, I couldn't get the job anyway because the editor is my ex-boyfriend's best friend.
This place is just full of ghosts from a past I've been trying to leave behind. And they're always going to arrive at the most inopportune moments.
I'm going to Florida in January and I'm kinda afraid that I'll end up staying there. No, really, this is a legitimate fear. I see myself going down there for 3 weeks and staying for 7. Because why the HELL would I come back to ShitField, Illinois in the dead of winter when I could be in sunny Florida with free admission?
Ugh, I'm sorry, this still just isn't feeling right. I think maybe I'll write some letters instead.
I'll improve, I promise
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| Friday, November 6th, 2009
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10:22 pm - good girls go bad
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I am overcome with the desire to be productive. As if the faster I finish all my work, the sooner the semester end.
If I could end this semester tomorrow, I would. Then I would run away to Florida and seek refuge on the couch of a friend and a very overpriced beer.
I need to get the hell out of this state. Hmm, that feeling seems to be a recurring one in my life, doesn't it?
I was talking to an old friend of High School today about postgrad plans. He says he's afraid to go anywhere but Chicago. I said I'm afraid of Chicago. He said the idea of unfamiliarity scares him.
I thrive on it.
I guess I've always been going somewhere. Where I'm at is never quite good enough. I don't know if that will last forever, or if maybe I've been waiting for the one thing that makes my life whole, but either way Illinois needs to take a break from the beatdowns of Jackie Holl.
I was thinking about driving down to Florida, crashing with Sean, and never coming back. Oh, what a glorious idea! To just GO. Get away from the people and the places and the hauntings of so many bad memories and just go to the place that makes me feel better.
I wrote a message to my fellow cast members and it was a new voice that came from me. Not this wondering, wandering sadness that seems to flow from my fingers when I'm alone in my quiet apartment. A better, stronger, happier version sprung out to greet them.
Somehow it felt truer.
GAH! I need to write this paper, read the last 4 books, write another paper, a journal, and take a final and I'm DONE with college.
Oh yea, it's only 4 books, two papers, a journal, and a final....on top of the weekly questions and papers I have to write. That's nothing!
GAH! again.
I need to exit this mind, it breaks too much. Even the comforts of life are stressing me out right now. I have four weeks to endure. Four weeks. Then I can concentrate my energy on the next batch of worries.
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| Monday, November 2nd, 2009
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1:23 am - Only one good thing worth trying to be
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Hey there, team.
I sincerely hope that everything is going well for you. I haven't really gotten to talk to you in a while. I hope you don't forget me.
I am simply puzzled by life. It throws me off that one day I can feel great and the next day I don't. I know that this is a stupid thing to write about because there's no way to change it. But it's on my mind, damnit, and I'm gonna write what I feel.
Cuz that's the only writing I really know how to do, anyway.
Tonight is fine, I guess. I'm feeling a little down, for sure. I just want to see some friendly faces again, party under a palm tree, and otherwise forget about Springfield, Il.
I feel roughed up. For no real reason.
It's just difficult because I miss my boyfriend and my friends, and even sometimes my parents. I miss the plans and the nights and the feeling of bliss. As great as it is to have my own place, sometimes it can get really lonely. It's boring as hell and all I have to do is pick up those goddamn books that are assigned every week.
I know I only have a little bit left, but school is tearing me down. It just feels like it will never end. There's always papers and reading and papers and reading and reading and reading and I've forgotten what it feels like to have a minute of my day.
But no matter what I do, I'll always feel like I'm just not good enough for the life I want to lead.
My parents came down today for only a few hours. We talked and ate lunch and hung out for a little bit. Of course, the subject of postgrad came up.
I just can't figure out how they can take such control over me. They barely even try and they get me falling into their traps! It's devastating.
All I said was that I wasn't sure and all she said was, "You just need to come up. You can get your loans paid off in a year if you get a good job and put it all toward that."
Jesus, Mom. C'mon. You say it like it's so easy. "Just find a good job." Yea, ok, because I haven't been continuously job-searching in that area for most of my life. Yea, there's just TONS of "good jobs" just waiting in the area. Oh yea, and I can put ALL my money towards that. Because it's not like I'll have to pay crazy amounts of money to commute, or spend half of my day on a damn train. It's not like you won't be nagging me every second of my life about cleaning this and cooking that. Because we get along OH SO WELL when I live with you.
And yet, despite the MONTHS I have spent, convincing and reenforcing myself that going home is a BAD idea, she still gets me thinking about it.
I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING THINK ABOUT IT! FOR ONCE IN MY GODDAMN LIFE I WANT TO MAKE MY OWN GODDAMN DECISIONS! WITHOUT YOU! I KNOW WHAT IS RIGHT FOR ME! And I know you're trying to help and you're worried about me and all that but the simple truth is that I HATE living with you and I would rather be broke for the rest of my life than endure your bullshit.
And I'm just not sorry about that anymore.
God. I just miss everyone. Ya know? I just want to go to a beach or a boardwalk and cry next to a good friend for a while. I just want to get this shit figured out. Please. I'm exhausted from the worry.
fuck.
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| Thursday, October 29th, 2009
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12:15 am - A gun may have been jumped...
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| Tuesday, October 27th, 2009
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2:18 am - Quote
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I just wanted to immortalize this quote for myself, and this is the best place to do it.
I haven't seen the movie, but I fell across it during a late night imdb.com raid. I like it. It's simple and idealistic. done and done.
You know, there are four words I need to hear before I go to sleep. Four little words. "Good night sweet girl." That's all it takes. I'm easy, I know, but a guy who can muster up those four words is a guy I want to stay with.
-Andera from the movie "Beautiful Girls"
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12:47 am - You're my heroine
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Hello, emotion. Glad to see you've stopped by again. Rather suddenly, of course, as you wouldn't have it any other way. You always have a knack for popping in at the most inopportune moments. Although, when is it really a good time to feel out of control. And even though I know better than to let you in, I always hold the door wide open for you. And so, in you barge, with ambition and agenda - a dangerous duo. Meanwhile, I sit motionless on the couch as you tear into me.
It's ok, I wasn't being productive anyway.
Well, that gut sickness has returned. Not entirely terrible, but there's a tinge. Strong enough to make me remember the misery I attempt to ignore daily.
Melodramatic. Ok, I'll stop.
On a more rational note, the end result of my second trip to KC is anxiety. I am now more anxious than ever to get out of this state and into his arms. The weekend was a full success on practically every level. That means that the one and only thing that can hold me back from moving there is myself. And as great as I am at self-sabotage, I am simply determined to quit the practice. The weekend has made Springfield seem more dreadful than ever.
The ride home was an interesting one. I caught myself in silent conversations about reasoning and planning, long-winded stories about people and places, and even silently listening to a few new songs I never knew existed, much less taking up space on my iPod. I have been struggling with the battle between passion and practicality for weeks now (well, longer - but it's overtaken all other issues in my life as of late), and just when I think I've won a side, the other always resurrects somehow. 'Tis life, no doubt.
But really, more than anything right now, I just want to write in the hopes that maybe somehow this is reaching someone I don't know it is, or somehow someone I don't know has stumbled upon these ramblings of a confused adult.
More than anything right now, I want to feel like these words matter - to someone other than myself.
As time goes on, it gets harder to be apart from Adam because, despite all odds, we get closer and closer. The distance between us seems to bring us together - which makes me wonder if the opposite would be true. If we close the physical distance, will we remain as tight? A silly question, perhaps, yet still valid.
But even after the hours I've spent pondering this rather broad contention, I know the answer really doesn't matter. Because the only way I'll ever know is if I take the risk the find out - so any sleepless nights are futile. Even if being physically closer to him would ruin our relationship, it's worth finding out because it's something that we simply need to know.
For the record, I know it won't.
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conkers101's journal